Tribute

It’s not often that I’m able to place a memory of the first use of words I have in my vocabulary, particularly words that I’ve been using for over a decade. The word ‘Selfless’ is one of those few cases. I can’t place the exact date; it was sometime between 15-20 years ago when I heard my Mum and Dad constantly referring to my Aunt Ronke (Big Mummy) as selfless. The only other detail I remember is that we were at the airport, probably returning from a trip to the U.K. I remember not knowing what the word meant at the time. I knew the word ‘selfish’, as it was in everyone’s daily language, but the word selfless was seldom used. (Fun thought experiment: think of the word selfish and think of the people that come to mind, but then think of the word selfless and you’ll notice the list of people is much smaller. If you’re reading this and you know Aunty Ronke, she would certainly be at the top of that list.)

It took me some time to realize what the word meant and why my Aunty was being called
‘selfless’. From the context of the conversation, I knew it was something positive, and I was able to infer that it probably was the antonym of the word selfish. While that might have been enough to get me off the ground, it wasn’t enough to truly understand the word. Over the years as I got older it became more and more obvious what it meant to be selfless by just watching Big Mummy. My brain has always associated the word ‘selfless’ with Aunt Ronke and I still define the term in relation to her. Her natural concern for the well-being of others and the constant willingness to put the needs of others before herself was incredible to witness. Even during her brave battle with cancer, she still spent most of her time thinking about others.

Selflessness was only one of many admirable qualities that Aunt Ronke possessed. She was also incredibly caring to many children, which earned her the title of ‘Big Mummy’. She was positive, sincere, generous, caring, and loving. When I had my capstone presentation in my final year of University, she made sure I sent her the link to join online, despite the 5-hour time difference. She made me send her my grad photos and told me I looked like an ‘Oluponna prince’, trying to cheer me up knowing I didn’t like the photos. She never missed an opportunity to tell me she loved me and was proud of me. I never realized that those conversations were finite and it’s difficult to accept that she’s gone.

There are so many stories I could tell, like the fact that she bought me my first few hoodies (knowing I couldn’t convince my mum to buy them) when I spent a summer in Kent. How she would eavesdrop on my conversations with Tomisin on high school crushes, and then tell Tomisin privately to encourage me to focus on school. (She ended up employing a similar strategy by telling me to talk to Sinmi on her behalf). She always wanted the best for me and all her children and would do whatever she could to make that happen.
When my parents decided to send Oreofe (my brother) to England, I remember how calm they were knowing that he was in Big Mum’s hands. There was no doubt that she would be his Mother in England

A lot of what I’ve written focuses on her care for family, but her impact on the communities she interacted with might have been even greater. She was an incredible force for good wherever she lived. In Kent I was treated at times like a celebrity just by virtue of being her nephew because of the impact she had on many lives there. She moved to Akobo, around the time I left to study in Canada, and it took her no time to replicate that impact in the community. When I visited in holidays it felt like she had always lived there. My cousin Ore, referred to her as “an institution” and I think that might be the only appropriate way to talk about her impact.

Big Mummy, the world is certainly a worse place without you. I cannot put into words how
thankful I am for knowing you and being a recipient of your love. I will miss your infectious
smile and your incredible sense of humour. Most of all, I’ll miss watching you exemplify what it meant to be truly selfless.
I will always love you and miss you, thank you for everything.
Oluwatobi Idowu